Armageddon

Armageddon is a videogame by me you can read about in this blog post and play (for free!) on itch.io.

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Everybody has to do something. Me, I dissociate. So when I look back at my graduation photo I don’t recognize myself in the face. I see the glassy half-sneer my muscles make each time they force a smile; I see the silly robes my university afforded me, and the silver medallion my parents had me present to the camera. But that was just my body. I don’t live in my body. I am aware of the places it goes and the things it does, but I am not in it. Instead, I live in a dream. While my body lurches through conversations, I busy myself imagining what I might have said, and how my acquaintances might have been impressed; how they might have responded, and what I might have gained. While my body quakes and slouches in proximity to some person it finds attractive, I flirt with a phantasmic projection. While my body drains the bar of whiskey I might well be on the dancefloor. My body does not like to dance, but I do. It resents me for it. We have become estranged.

On that day when I graduated it felt like the dream was ending. In university there had always been time to meet the people I wanted to meet, to realize the personality I coveted in my fantasies and to lead the sort of life I imagined I should lead. Now there was no time, and my body had not done any of these things. As we prepared for convocation my body and I looked out at three hundred faces; many had been acquaintances, but precious few were friends. My body was lonely, for those faces smiled away from it. The dream gave me some measure of solace; though it faded second by second, in there the faces smiled at me.

I began Armageddon during the ‘Compo’ section of Ludum Dare 27 (a game jam whose theme was “10 seconds”). It’s a game about that moment when the dream ended, and about the ensuing years. It’s about how to confront privilege, and then how to confront failure. It’s about how Vancouver becomes two different cities late at night, when the skytrains stop running but other people still drive their cars. Mostly it’s about that peculiar sort of stasis that happens when the gears in your brain spin independent of your worldly form. One day it will burn you to cinders.

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